I love reality TV and anyone who says they don't has never seen Bret Michaels in his flame pajamas, WITHOUT his bandana, attempting to have vh-1 approved phone sex with a complete stranger on Rock of Love.
I was hooked on Toddlers and Tiaras from the *ads* for the show. Sparkly dresses, nut-job moms, pixie stix? Please. It took me a little longer to warm up to Moonshiners because it's about, you know, Moonshiners. But since my husband likes it and since he watches T&T with me the least I could do was watch Moonshiners with him.
So, drawing my inspiration from the Midwest's own Li'l Miss and Li'l Mister Horseradish Pageant, here are my categories and likely outcomes should Toddlers & Tiaras and Moonshiners ever go head to head:
1. Best Costume: It's hard to beat pink cupcake dresses with Anita Bryant hair and fake horse teeth but the winner has got to be Tim from Moonshiners and his denim overalls. In the summer worn without a shirt, or come fall when a tee becomes necessary, it's the consistency that wins out here. Every episode. Just like Gilligan. Winner: Moonshiners.
2. Best Talent: Those little girls can bust some moves. They can also stand there awkwardly working the hem of their skirt while their mom has a conniption fit out in the audience. The Moonshiners dudes can build/fix anything and manage to hide an entire still operation out in the woods camouflaging it against spies both from the air and on the ground. Still, it's hard to beat a tiny muffin in full on luau wear including a coconut bra and cardboard ukelele hula-ing herself dangerously close to the edge of the stage. Winner: Toddlers & Tiaras.
3. Best Personality: This depends on if you mean personality as in sweet and charming and someone you'd like to hang around with, or personality as in you can't tear your eyeballs away from them. T&T has plenty of both, moms and daughters, with a definite lean towards the crazy-personality. However, I'm going to give this award to Tickle from Moonshiners because he is such an agreeable guy, willing to do whatever is asked of him and totally supports the cause if you know what I mean. Tickle loves him some 'shine. Winner: Moonshiners.
4. Best "Beauty": This is sort of unfair because there are some very pretty little girls on T&T. I mean it's sort of hard to tell sometimes under all that fake hair and grandma-style make-up but I think it's basically true. (An aside - in my own attempt to go "glitz" as as a kid I tried to put on some fake eyelashes and ended up in the ER because I glued my eyes shut.) Tim from Moonshiners looks like he might be a handsome man but his "total package", cowboy hat, shirtless overalls, etc. really isn't working for me. Winner: Toddlers & Tiaras.
5. Best Platform/Where do you see yourself in five years?: Well, Tim wants to go legit and get a license and stuff so he can pass the heritage of moonshining down to his son without the whole it being against the law thing. Tres noble. On the other hand the goal of most of the T&T contestants is to live in a pink castle with a purple unicorn. Hmmmm. Winner: Moonshiners.
6. Most resourceful: I have seen moms on T&T who when confronted with a uncooperative curling iron go into the kind of state that would allow them to lift a car off their little beauty queen. And never, ever get near a pageant mom whose room key card doesn't work fifteen minutes before beauty. Again Tim and Tickle can build anything, bend and fold metal to their will, chainsaw down trees to build a shelter, hide propane in the woods. Whatever it takes. Not that the moms on Toddlers & Tiaras don't believe in whatever it takes, they do. Including giving their 4 year old energy drinks so she'll be "on" for talent. Winner: Both.
7. Best Use of a Mason Jar: This one seems like a no brainer given the very nature of Moonshiners, but some of those moms and daughters drive a looooooooong way to get to those pageants. Just saying. Winner: Moonshiners.
Ultimate Grand Supreme: Well, Moonshiners won the most categories, but it's not really ever hard to watch like good reality TV should be. You don't really hate yourself afterwards. It's interesting, has some historical value and raises some ethical questions along the way. No one gets drunk (except Tickle), no one gets slapped and no one bursts into tears. The same cannot be said for Toddlers & Tiaras. Although to be fair, I've never seen anyone drunk on that show. But they don't need to be, they are plenty wacked-out as is. And I do feel bad about myself afterwards. For about five minutes. Winner: Toddlers & Tiaras!!!!!
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